I have struggled, continue to struggle, and continue to work on a very core limiting belief. The belief that I will not be ok. The broader interpretation is that things in my life will not be ok. That things will not work out, that outcomes will not fall in my favor. These broader beliefs stem from a very core theme of not being ok in the world. Does it impair me? It can. Have I learned to manage it? I have. What does it do for me? It drives me to plan, to work hard, to think about and address all the possible contingencies in any situation. I frankly bust my ass almost always to make sure things work out, situations work out, relationships work out. Many times they do. In that way this core belief about not being ok fuels me to work harder, to pay attention to my surroundings, to interact with people in a manner that builds certainty of me being ok. The curse? Lots of stress, lots of wasted time and energy contingency planing, lots of frustration in attempts to control or orchestrate what I can’t control or orchestrate. Sounds kind of crazy. I have a good job, family, relationship, friends. I tend to land on my feet after challenges and yet I still feel this lack of security at times. The older I get the better it gets. I work hard to remind myself of my life “track record”. Of all the times where things have worked out, of all the situations where I feel not ok but end up being ok. Of all the lessons I have learned in my years in practice and in life. I also have shifted the belief by actively giving myself pep talks. Telling myself that I got this, that “we” are going to be ok. This strange pep talk is a way to actually calm my insecurities, to soothe the part of me that is looking outside for validation and security. To assure myself thatI have what I need to care for myself. The more I do that, the less I worry about or even think about not being ok. And the better able I am to live a more authentic and true existence. Some good and some bad. Sometimes when I am sure and confident, sometimes when I am hesitant and scared. But all through all the experiences a constant reminder that I can be ok if I allow myself to be ok.
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